***We all have a cross to bear and this is mine.***
Matt 7:13-14
The narrow road that leads to life is that of the cross.
Forgiveness is the beginning of a long process of healing and enables you to open your heart to love.
When did I begin to face the demon?
I realized I had an extremely distorted perception of myself and my body upon graduating from high school. I struggled with body image and my relationship with food since puberty.
When did I begin seeking treatment?
A few years out of high school. After my return from California.I received limited treatment in-patient and little treatment out-patient. Once I was dedicated to accepting the process of healing I believed one day I could put my struggles behind me. It took many years to be in the place I am today. Now, I can feel what it is like to truly live and enjoy happy moments without my obsession weighing me down.
What went so wrong in my life that my existence became endless hours of obsessive thinking, working out and starvation?
To many I was just a complicated individual. Anorexia is very complicated but once we understand where the web began we can start the process of untangling the web we find ourselves suffocating in.
A few factors leading me down a crooked path of existing with anorexia/bulimia...
Loss of touch with acceptance of oneself during puberty, my innocence lost due to abuse, my inability to accept change as a part of surviving,.weak relationships with men, modeling, the pressure of society to be thin, lack of faith and understanding, broken support system, genetics and loving a fast pace life at a young age with lots of money!! I'm still amazed how I pulled through such a crazy mixed up life. But I did and so can you!!!!! Recovery will take commitment to the process and patience as time will heal.
So, what is my background?
I come from a hard working middle class now divorced family of 2.5 kids. We had horses, dogs, chickens, ducks and roosters all surrounded by a white picket fence. I was an average student. I can remember from a very young age always having stars in my eyes.
So what happened?
Modeling made it impossible for me to see the person I was on the inside. I was consumed with others opinions of what beautiful meant and at the time thought "the thinner the better."
My parents divorced after 25 years.
LIFE...It happens!!!! Acknowledge where you've been and start planning a future by confronting issues that needed to be dealt with. Start moving forward towards healing.
Where does it get so complicated?
Well it does...puberty, boys, school, modeling, heartbreak, wealth, fame, divorce, death, oh and then on top of all of the I guess typical obstacles of life a divorce and oh yeah the house burns down. That's right! So what does one do? Exactly what I did for many years! Isolated, fasted, cried, prayed, exercised, and ran away from the pain I was feeling. But, honestly its all worked out! I've worked hard for many years as I faced the grip anorexia, bulimia had over me almost taking my life a few times.
So, what's the point?
I guess the many years of giving into my obsession to be thin and wasting away the pain I was feeling by allowing anorexia to take over was worth it. If I can help one person stay on the right path.
The road to recovery was long, exhausting and often overwhelming. Recovery was difficult, frustrating and well worth the reward to finally identify what was most important in my life. One must see recovery is a process and trust in that process.
What is most important in my life is learning to live and to be free from the chains of hell my eating disorders had over my freedom.
Acknowledge that recovery for each individual will be different. Hold onto the desire to get well and one day you will look back and see "RECOVERY IS A PROCESS"
What do I hope to accomplish with my memoir?
I hope to accomplish many things.
1. I hope my story will explain my behavior to the individuals who have always been there for me. I'm not asking for piety just some understanding for my behavior.
2. I hope my story will help individuals struggling with an eating disorder see the NOT SO PRETTY SIDE OF BEING ANOREXIC/BULIMIC and it's ability to strip you of time!
3. I hope my story will allow families to pick up the pieces of their lives and take responsibility for whatever part they have played in feeding into and creating the demon.
4. For those of you currently struggling I BELIEVE MY STORY WILL HELP YOU GET YOUR LIFE BACK.
***Each chapter lists a positive affirmation and biblical citation which will guide you through the process of healing and moving forward through recovery.
5. I'd like to bring to the table the gift of forgiveness and believing anything is possible if we BELIEVE!
6. I hope my material will better explain how the many layers of how an eating disorder can develop. (even to a family that appears on the outside to be pretty "Perfect"!)
7.I hope my story will allow the reader struggling to see that no matter how bad you want to remain tied to particularly anorexia if it's god's will to heal you he will bend and break you to your knees until you see what he has been trying to open your eyes to.
8. I hope my memoir can be used as a teaching tool to show you the value of living for the sake of living and not for the sake of feeding into society's ideal of what its like to feel alive!!!!!!!!!!
9. I hope my memoir will help individuals see where the pressure is coming from and take responsibility to change their behaviors.
10. Recovery can't be done alone. Start the process now by admitting you need help and take the necessary steps to embrace recovery.
11. Remind yourself when you feel overwhelmed...Matthew 9:12 "It's not the healthy that needs a Dr., but the sick.
12. Finally, ask yourself... Is your life really that bad? I promise you once you begin making progress in your recovery you will see yourself and the world around you from a more accurate perspective.
Recovery is amazing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I've learned through the years that no matter what we experience on our journey through life that with forgiveness, faith and the will to move passed the pain, "this too shall pass."
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