Are you OK? How does self-compassion and forgiveness play a role in discovering your purpose?

     On the cover of my workbook, I was at the peak of my career as an actress and model, having completed 20 films in just over 2 years. However, I longed to be wanted and understood for more than my body. The activities I once loved, and that brought me joy, were taken from my life as I became obsessed with food and exercise. Although I was eager to work on films that told meaningful stories, I had to decide whether being a starving artist was worth it. To be relevant, being a starving artist meant two things: no money and my body being used against me. Then came the Jeffrey Epsteins of the entertainment industry. Sex, drugs, and casting couches were everyday occurrences. Almost everyone had a price. If you didn’t sell your soul to make it big, your self-esteem suffered from constant rejection at auditions. As I struggled to accept yet another failed attempt to pursue a career that interested me, I fell into severe depression and experienced my worst relapse to date. As my memory started to fade, because of debilitating pain associated with Scleroderma and fibromyalgia, I returned to therapy to work through every unhealthy relationship that was robbing me of seeing the beauty within myself and the world around me. I wanted to understand why I was so self-destructive. I needed to know why my suicidal thoughts seemed to resurface when life became stressful. I also wanted to understand why I sabotaged every opportunity in my life. Even then, I was relentless about asking others twenty years later, “Are you OK?!”

As I continued my journey to recovery, I realized that the compassion I showed to strangers was something I had never extended to myself. I wondered if I had known then what I know now, would I have fallen prey to the opioid epidemic at the hands of doctors? Or would I have chosen a different way to relieve my physical and emotional pain? What if I wasn’t given Narcan to reverse the overdose? Would I still be here to share my story? No matter the choices I’ve made in my weakened state of mind, only God can help me forgive the medical profession for failing me, as I recall the conversations I overheard while lying in a hospital bed, clinging to life. Because, as depressed as I was, and despite my desire to end my life, I truly wanted help. But I was drowning—drowning from the loss, the pain, the tragedies, the lies, and a former life I no longer remembered as my memory began to fade. That is, until I found my purpose and my reason to live! I now have a daughter, a story, and a vision to help families communicate more effectively and seek treatment to overcome their personal struggles.